Are women still changing their last names when they get married?

What 100+ women had to say about changing their last names

Jun 15, 2023

Shortly after I got married last year, people asked me all the time: “Are you planning to change your last name?”

I’ve always been adamant that I would not. One, it seemed like an antiquated practice, and two, my last name is deeply intertwined with my personal and cultural identity.

It seemed like practice was falling a bit out of favor within my friend group. But I was curious to see what the numbers would show: Are most women like me still changing their last names when they get married?

I surveyed my community on Instagram—where over 100 women weighed in, sliding into my DMs with their advice, stories, and unfiltered thoughts. For context, the respondent group was made up of mostly 30- and 40-something liberal women in major metro areas.

Today I’m revisiting this (very hot) topic, unpacking the results, and sharing what readers had to say. Grab a cuppa because this is not brief—let’s dive in.

The results

I was surprised to learn that more women chose not to change their last name than those who did:

This was a departure from what’s happening across the U.S., where around 70-80% of women still take their husband’s last names.

I asked a couple of open-ended questions around why women chose to change or not to change their last names. There were a few key themes that I heard:

Funnily enough, simply liking the husband’s last name more than her own (or vice versa) was often a major reason behind a woman’s choice.

Several women also said that while they changed their names on social media for their husbands or in-laws, they didn’t actually change their last names legally.

There was a pretty even split in the reasons women chose not to change their name:

Does race matter in a woman’s decision to change her name?

Anecdotally, it seemed like more of my Asian girlfriends were not changing their last names than my non-Asian friends, which was confirmed by the results:

As an Asian who married white, I was especially interested in the nuances around mixed race marriages. Interestingly, I found that Asian-American women who married non-Asian men were more likely to change their last names than Asian-American women who married Asian-American men.

Peggy C, 36 (SF Bay Area), an Asian-American woman who married Asian, told me: “I didn't change my last name from Chen to <my husband's> Tran because it’s basically the same last name in another language, but if I had married a white man, for example, I would've been more likely to consider changing my last name."

This was actually counter to my feelings, which goes to show how individualized the thought process is: For me, having a non-Asian last name would create a bigger disconnect between what my name says about me and who I am. While I still probably wouldn’t have changed my name if I’d married a Chang or a Lee, I think I would have felt more like myself with a Chinese last name.

Courtney C (Colorado) who is white and married an Asian man, shared that while she’d previously been certain that she’d never adopt a man’s last name, she decided to change hers after all: “I didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t proud to be married to a Korean.”

How cultures around the world approach it

Yurie T, 31 (Sydney), who is Japanese, says:

“It’s really rare for a woman to keep her family name in Japan. Under Japanese law, married couples aren’t allowed to have separate surnames and have to choose one or the other. A husband and wife going with the woman’s family name is called muro iri, meaning ‘adopted into the bride’s family.’ This typically only happens if the woman’s family has an important business and has daughters to pass on the business onto. Changing a man’s surname is a big deal—the husband’s family even gets money in return sometimes.”

Agnieska L, 34 (Singapore) who was born in Poland, shares:

“In Poland, it is tradition to take the man’s name. It symbolizes a new chapter in your life, and since the children will bear their father’s name, it binds everyone together as a family, so to speak. Personally, I didn’t get so sentimental about changing my name. Of course, a small part of me was a bit sad. After all, I got rid of a rather historical and very Polish surname that I used for most of my life. Having said that, my first name is already very Polish, so it felt like by taking my husband’s surname (Lu), I had developed my identity into something very own, very unique. It’s kind of cool when people can’t figure out my background.”

I love the Spanish approach to it, and think we could all take a page out of their equal opportunity book. Alba Z, 33 (New York) who is originally from Spain, shares:

“In Spain, everyone has two last names and no one changes their last name when they get married. When you have kids, both the mom and dad pass on the first of their two last names to form a new family combination with their kids. Traditionally, the dad’s name goes first and then the mom’s, but nowadays couples discuss which should go first—sometimes it’s the least common or the one that has no other chance of passing it down.”

Why I’m not changing my last name—for now

I’ve always said that I wouldn’t be changing my name to my husband’s. My husband’s never had a strong opinion about it, so that’s pretty much been the end of the story.

Keeping Wu is a preservation of my identity—both cultural and personal. Culturally speaking, being Taiwanese is important to me—I’d like to hang on to the bits of myself that represent this. There’s also a sort of cognitive dissonance between who I feel like I am and what a white-presenting last name would pre-communicate about me.

Personally, I’ve been Teresa Wu for over three decades—socially and professionally. As a marketer, I can also appreciate the brand equity that an individual builds in their name over their lifetime. Why are women expected to toss that?

There’s also this phenomenon in which women change their last name and are no longer findable on social media because you don’t know their new last name. I’m not concerned about my high school classmates being able to look me up on Facebook, but there is a niggly feeling I don’t love about that idea of erasure—why should womens’ identities disappear in this way, but not mens’?

The one reason I’d reconsider is if having different last names gets complicated with kids: While I don’t care for the logistical dance you’ve gotta do with airlines, credit cards, and the DMV, sharing a last name with my kids could be compelling enough.

…That said, I’m still mulling over the paternalistic underpinnings of this, too: Why are kids assumed to inherit the man'’s last name by default instead of the woman’s? Hyphenating is not an appealing option, since our last names are pretty jarring in combination. I’ve been jokingly telling everyone that we’ll have two kids, and the less Asian-looking kid can be named Wu.

Thank you to those who participated in the survey or contributed their thoughts to today’s newsletter.

What are your thoughts on changing your last name?

What are your thoughts on changing your last name? How have they evolved over time?

There’s so much complexity in every couple’s decision to change, not to change, to name their kids… we didn’t even chat divorce and same-sex couples here. I’d love to hear about your situation and how you’re thinking about this.

Hit reply and send me your thoughts, or share below in the comments.