How do you keep long-distance friendships alive?
Step one: Give yourself permission to take more group selfies
Teahouse is a weekly email newsletter that explores how we live, travel, and gather. To get more like this in your inbox, subscribe below:
We spent last weekend on the slopes in Beaver Creek with friends of ~15 years who live in New York and California. It got me thinking about long-distance friendships—and what has kept them alive after all these years.
In our free-wheeling early 20s, hanging out happened on our apartment rooftops and inside K-town bars 3-5x a week, loosely planned at 4 p.m. that same day from our swivel chairs across Manhattan.
These days, hanging out looks a little bit different. Two years might pass before we get our shit together. An extensive cross-check of the calendars of surgeons and small business owners and finance execs has to happen to find that one fated weekend on which schedules align.
The parents assemble their weekend childcare teams and Facetime their toddlers during downtime—gone are the days anyone “accidentally missed my flight because I wanted to catch that last set at Coachella.” Instead of chatting new restaurant openings and congregating for bottomless brunch, we talk about how crappy that last round of IVF was and compare notes on cholesterol panels—signs of aging, am I right?
Modern communication, transportation, and technology have enabled our generation to be highly mobile: Accordingly to the Atlantic, a study that followed pairs of best friends over 19 years found that participants had moved an average of 5.8 times during that period. Moving away from each other, though, can overstretch the fabric of our friendships.
Having relocated over the course of my adult life from California to New York to Japan to Colorado, I know this well. Many of our closest and oldest “pajama friends,” as coined by
, are geographically dispersed: Though we had our wedding in Colorado, more guests came from Singapore than from in-state. While we spend a lot of time nurturing our local friendships, I’m grateful that my long-distance friendships have grown with me through many seasons of life.I’m still on a high from getting to spend real, quality time catching up with old girlfriends on the lift between runs and over late-night tomahawk steaks. True to form, we spent a lot of time in our pajamas. Below, sharing my thoughts on making those long-distance friendships work—would love to hear yours in the comments.
If social media is a party, be the party host (not the person gossiping in the corner).
It’s easy to let Instagram spiral into a toxic wasteland of passive voyeurism, where you spend more time envying someone’s St. Barth’s trip and accompanying wardrobe than actually being social. If you’re on social media, use it for what it was created for: to share and connect.
I’m always posting little funny tidbits of our life on Instagram, and it gives friends plenty of fodder to dive right into a conversation when we see them next. When we run into old friends at weddings, my husband (who is off social) learns about the things that have been shared with the internet about us—being married to me is fun. “Did you fire that your contractor who stole all your plants yet?” they’ll ask at cocktail hour, and it’ll be like no time has passed at all.
On the flip side, engage with what friends are sharing, too—give the likes and positive comments out freely. While friendship maintenance through social media falls more in the “life support” camp more so than the “deep connection” camp, at worst, it’s a little dopamine boost for the receiver. At best, they might interpret your regular “likes” as: You are still on my mind, I’m still in your corner, and you can reach out if you need me.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Lean into the group chat.
I have found that the group chat is the #1 low-effort, high-reward strengthener of remote friendships. The thing I love about a group chat is that it lowers the barrier for what you can message people about. Maybe you haven’t been in touch with x friend for awhile, and it’d be a little awkward to reach out 1:1, but you can totally message the group to get a recommendation on athleticwear brands everyone’s currently into.
Take group photos when you’re together.
Like gossiping, I think taking photos of yourselves can be seen as a self indulgent or frivolous act. One of my guy friends mentioned once that he thought asking to take a group photo seemed “feminine.” (We have a lot to unpack there, Patrick.)
But guess what? Everybody likes having a good group photo after the fact. With Facebook and Apple Photos “On this day…” reminders, having photos pop up years later creates another touchpoint to reminisce and open the conversation back up.
Be the annoying group photo ambassador who insists on a pic. Don’t be like Patrick. You, and whoever assembles your dazzling 50th birthday montage, will thank me later.
Send a physical token in the mail.
Distance makes spending shared in-person time together more challenging, but physical tokens add a tangible touch to friendships that rely primarily on digital connection.
One time, I commented on a unique-looking honey in an IG story of my friend’s charcuterie spread, and a few days later I received a little jar of yuzu jam from her on my doorstep—such a delightful little surprise! Another friend sent me a dogeared copy of a book she thought I’d enjoy—her penciled marginalia made it feel like we were sharing in the reading experience together.
I also love sending and receiving snail mail and holiday cards. Even if that festive photo gets mailed to 100 other people, it’s still the loveliest little reminder that someone was thinking of you that November as they signed, stamped, and sealed your envelope.
Share vulnerably.
A few months ago I found myself getting a d&c surgery with about 15 minutes’ notice. Because several of my girlfriends had divulged their own miscarriage experiences with me previously, I texted them from the clinic that day with all the invasive questions and “woe is me” memes. Thanks to their vulnerable self-disclosure, I felt loved and held and supported by a cheer squad of women through what was otherwise a somewhat traumatic day.
Create traditions for shared, in-person experiences.
The holy grail of friendship connection remains shared quality time in person, but that’s easier said than done. We’re all familiar with the “Girls’ trip?!?!” thread that pops up once a year in the group chat without any traction.
But making something a standing ritual cements both its time in the calendar and its importance in your life. Spanx CEO and founder Sarah Blakey has been taking her girlfriends on a trip to a surprise destination for the last 18 years. I love that these women get together every single year without fail. This group of guys who grew up in Santa Barbara and now live in different cities have been getting together and taking the same group photo for 35 years—friendship goals!
At the end of our own ski trip this year, we decided to make it a tradition: getting together every year would be the default, not the exception.
I’d love to hear: Do your closest girlfriends live in the same city as you? What are some things you’ve done to maintain and strengthen your long-distance friendships? What’s the last thing a long-distance friend did that made you feel loved and supported? Drop your long-distance friendship tips and stories below:
If you liked this, here are a couple of my favorite recent reads on friendship:
The secret to making friendship last with
- ’s interview with Rhaina Cohen, of the viral article “What if Friendships, Not Marriage, was at the Center of Life?”
Why Americans stopped hanging out (gift link), and what to do about it from
Calling friends in different time zones has allowed for commuting phone catch ups, I’ve also sent favorite or important books to friends who would appreciate them, some DM’s over social media lead into full on catch up conversations, sharing favorite older photos on birthdays or when they pop up can lead into catch up time, but ultimately this is all challenging to keep up and gets harder every single year (especially when friends are in the early days/years of having children)
Such a beautiful read, Teresa! It resonated so much with me. Can't stress enough the importance of taking photos together. My closest group of friends have been from high school, and we lost one of our girlfriends two years ago to cancer. So grateful to have all these photos and memories of our girls nights and trips together to look back on.