How do you keep long-distance friendships alive?
Step one: Give yourself permission to take more group selfies
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We spent last weekend on the slopes in Beaver Creek with friends of ~15 years who live in New York and California. It got me thinking about long-distance friendships—and what has kept them alive after all these years.
In our free-wheeling early 20s, hanging out happened on our apartment rooftops and inside K-town bars 3-5x a week, loosely planned at 4 p.m. that same day from our swivel chairs across Manhattan.
These days, hanging out looks a little bit different. Two years might pass before we get our shit together. An extensive cross-check of the calendars of surgeons and small business owners and finance execs has to happen to find that one fated weekend on which schedules align.
The parents assemble their weekend childcare teams and Facetime their toddlers during downtime—gone are the days anyone “accidentally missed my flight because I wanted to catch that last set at Coachella.” Instead of chatting new restaurant openings and congregating for bottomless brunch, we talk about how crappy that last round of IVF was and compare notes on cholesterol panels—signs of aging, am I right?
Modern communication, transportation, and technology have enabled our generation to be highly mobile: Accordingly to the Atlantic, a study that followed pairs of best friends over 19 years found that participants had moved an average of 5.8 times during that period. Moving away from each other, though, can overstretch the fabric of our friendships.
Having relocated over the course of my adult life from California to New York to Japan to Colorado, I know this well. Many of our closest and oldest “pajama friends,” as coined by
, are geographically dispersed: Though we had our wedding in Colorado, more guests came from Singapore than from in-state. While we spend a lot of time nurturing our local friendships, I’m grateful that my long-distance friendships have grown with me through many seasons of life.I’m still on a high from getting to spend real, quality time catching up with old girlfriends on the lift between runs and over late-night tomahawk steaks. True to form, we spent a lot of time in our pajamas. Below, sharing my thoughts on making those long-distance friendships work—would love to hear yours in the comments.
If social media is a party, be the party host (not the person gossiping in the corner).
It’s easy to let Instagram spiral into a toxic wasteland of passive voyeurism, where you spend more time envying someone’s St. Barth’s trip and accompanying wardrobe than actually being social. If you’re on social media, use it for what it was created for: to share and connect.
I’m always posting little funny tidbits of our life on Instagram, and it gives friends plenty of fodder to dive right into a conversation when we see them next. When we run into old friends at weddings, my husband (who is off social) learns about the things that have been shared with the internet about us—being married to me is fun. “Did you fire that your contractor who stole all your plants yet?” they’ll ask at cocktail hour, and it’ll be like no time has passed at all.
On the flip side, engage with what friends are sharing, too—give the likes and positive comments out freely. While friendship maintenance through social media falls more in the “life support” camp more so than the “deep connection” camp, at worst, it’s a little dopamine boost for the receiver. At best, they might interpret your regular “likes” as: You are still on my mind, I’m still in your corner, and you can reach out if you need me.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Lean into the group chat.
I have found that the group chat is the #1 low-effort, high-reward strengthener of remote friendships. The thing I love about a group chat is that it lowers the barrier for what you can message people about. Maybe you haven’t been in touch with x friend for awhile, and it’d be a little awkward to reach out 1:1, but you can totally message the group to get a recommendation on athleticwear brands everyone’s currently into.
Take group photos when you’re together.
Like gossiping, I think taking photos of yourselves can be seen as a self indulgent or frivolous act. One of my guy friends mentioned once that he thought asking to take a group photo seemed “feminine.” (We have a lot to unpack there, Patrick.)
But guess what? Everybody likes having a good group photo after the fact. With Facebook and Apple Photos “On this day…” reminders, having photos pop up years later creates another touchpoint to reminisce and open the conversation back up.
Be the annoying group photo ambassador who insists on a pic. Don’t be like Patrick. You, and whoever assembles your dazzling 50th birthday montage, will thank me later.